What I wouldn’t give to work in a field for which I had a passion. Those who do are the luckiest sons of bitches (yeah, you know who you are you writers, artists, philanthropists, entrepreneurs etc out there being happy and making the world a better place). I’m angry about occupying space and being bored.
One of my favorite song lyrics….”You have to cry without weeping, talk without speaking, scream without raising your voice”. It’s on my mind because I’ve been stalled in my personal growth for a while. I hate this place. You know what I’m talking about.
I’m a person of action. I’d rather take action and fail than to sit and do nothing and miss an opportunity. It means I fail a lot. It also means that I win a lot. I wouldn’t be as successful in life, particularly in my career, had I not been so bold. It hasn’t worked out so well on the personal front. It is just now occurring to me as I type this that the reason it hasn’t worked out in personal matters is because it’s not like business. That sounds stupid, I know, but let me ‘splain.
There’s more emotion in personal decisions for most people. For the most part, work is numbers on a spreadsheet, it’s cost/benefit analysis, it’s the measure of a compensation package, it’s price comparison…you get the drift. I don’t tend to make decisions based on emotion…I try, almost to an extreme degree, to be logical. Or at least that’s my perception. Emotion does get in the way in most things though, that’s built in–sort of like a human feature, not a bug. 🙂 But I get to a weird place once the emotion has run its course and it always runs its course with me at lightening speed. I may get really, really mad but I’m over it 5 minutes later. Give me a few hours and I won’t mention it. Give me a day and it will be forgotten.
Once I’ve run through the emotion I become Spock in his coldest moments. I expect others around me to get to this point with me…but somehow they never do. They muddle and mire and hmmm and haw so that nothing happens and in joint decisions that means I get stuck watching them hmm and haw. Then I become irritated because the outcome is inevitable and they need to just make up their mind and accept it. Nothing makes me feel crazier than being stuck like this. I can’t run to stand still. It feels like death to me. It’s why if I’m bored or not making progress (or at least feel like I’m not) I will start new projects. I am the antithesis of the meditative personality (and this is me NOT on any speed or coke…imagine if I did do things that revved me up….what a nightmare). But I’m not the boss. I don’t get to tell others ‘if you can’t keep up, don’t even bother to follow me”. And that sure as hell doesn’t work in a personal relationship either.
Am I just nuts or am I the product of the modern western capitalist zeitgeist? Do other people out there feel this same kind of compulsion (yes it’s that strong a feeling)? Does it affect their personal and professional life the way it does mine? Why can’t I let things just be until they evolve on their own? Why do I always have to push? Right now you’re shaking your head and thinking, “Poor, poor woman, she’s bored! What a white first world kind of problem to have!” And you’d be right. It’s a privilege to sit bored in this Herman Miller Aeron chair nine hours a day and make decent money doing it waiting for someone else to make the most obvious decision in the frigging world that is staring them right in the frigging face. I know, I really, really get it.
But I just can’t help it. I’m dissatisfied and ungrateful. I’ve forgotten how much it sucked to work door to door, to ask would you like fries with that, to have to mop up someone else’s piss or clean up someone else’s dirty tissues. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have my whole body hurt at the end of a long day of constant motion and being on my feet. I’ve forgotten how it feels to have your skin so damaged from the chemicals your hands have been immersed in all day that they crack open. I haven’t lost the scars though. Maybe I should look at all the scars I earned during my “manual labor years”, shut up, and get in line with the hundreds of millions of other bored middle class desk jockeys in this country. With that in mind I think I’ll go churn out something else mind numbingly boring and useful to almost no one–at least I’ll be earning my pay and contributing to that great pile of ever growing data in the virtual ether. And on that depressing note: Happy Fricking Valentine’s Day, my fellow capitalist stooges.