One foot in front of the other

Posted: June 17, 2013 in Family, Personal

I’ve been having relationship difficulties.  Last couple of days have been very bad.  I feel as if I’ve been gutted.  I’ve finally stopped crying but it’s been replaced with a type of emptiness or numbness.  I’m like one of those frail cicada husks the wind pushing it around.  That hollow feeling does get broken up with bouts of nausea.  I’ll be honest and say that I have no desire to eat.  But I’ve forced myself to eat something, because I have to keep going.  I don’t have a choice.  My kids need me.  And thank God they do.  I need to work too.  Someone’s got to pay the bills and there’s no Knight in Shining Armor on the horizon, no superhero, no last minute savior (BTW, fuck you, Disney and Hollywood for feeding our kids that tripe).

Speaking of kids, they’re upset too.   My little one keeps asking about him and I don’t know what to say to a 2 year old.  He doesn’t understand the concept of “he’s not coming back” and I’m not sure I want him to at this age.  And every time he asks, that’s when my husk shatters into a million pieces.  My 10 year old is in worse shape.  She’s grieving.  I was surprised by how much it hurt her.  I mean, I knew she cared about him, but I didn’t know that she really loves him.  I love him too.  But that doesn’t seem to matter.

So I’m putting one letter in front of another, one word in front of another and one foot in front of another.  Maybe I’ll get past this.  Lord knows it’s the only way I know how.

  1. Ah, sweetie. I’m so sorry. *big virtual hug*

    • drangedinaz says:

      Thanks, I posted that earlier today and I’m starting to feel much better. I have been lurking on your site, loving your kitty and gardening photos lately.

  2. redlonglocks says:

    Big INHALE and BIG exhale here. No man is worth this…no MAN! Get mad if you have to….kick, punch something (inanimate preferably) but LET IT GO. Don’t curse Disney or whoever you think taught you to expect the “white knight”….be your own best friend and the savior of your own life. You have all the skills, all the intelligence and all the beauty that it takes to be happy…so BE HAPPY and don’t sweat this; most of all be gentle with yourself, and kind and forgiving and stop laying blame…it does not lie at your door…give up trying to control everything and know that all things happen for a reason. Yes, you are in a valley right now…but there is light at the end of the tunnel and the next day, or the next week you’ll be putting one foot in front of the other trudging up that hill and you will realize that YOU are strong and that you can do it and that it’s all going to be okay. Let time work for you, not against you. When you get to the next ‘peak’ enjoy the hell out of it and don’t look too far into the future…one day at a time…one hour at a time…even every 60 seconds at a time if that’s what it takes….but cut yourself some slack! I have to do it nearly everyday and I’ve just got to say that I’ve learned a lot and that even though it has been horribly hard, that little stubborn kernel inside me, says, even in the very depths of my despair, that things WILL BE okay, if I just give it time and keep ‘keeping on’. Don’t you EVER give up — you are the only one I know that is possibly more stubborn than me. Love you!

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