I think I must have really pissed off the universe in a past life. Things just keep happening to me and around me. My son hasn’t been sleeping well this week and thus neither have I. Then he woke up sick again this morning. I don’t know if never got over the norovirus or if he re-caught it (apparently, one can get it again and again). So I spent the day watching him, changing a lot of hellaciously bad diapers all while trying to do some work remotely.
But I am trying to focus on the good things. I did manage 6 productive hours of work plus we both got a two hour nap. Liam doesn’t seem near as bad as he was the previous time he had it. His father took him for the night so I went out by myself and saw The Silver Linings Playbook–a good romantic flick that left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. And I managed to make serious headway on the laundry that has been piling up. Now I am prepping to sleep in as late as I can.
But I still gotta wonder, is it karma? Or is it just life and I am being a whiny bitch? Shit happens and usually in multiples. For someone like me with no family, no close friends and my sons mostly uninvolved father, it can get tough. I have been on my own like this for so long I don’t even know how to ask for help, much less graciously receive it.
I had an epiphany this morning after discovering that my son was once again sick. I realized that the “poor me” attitude really does not help in the end, mainly because it doesn’t matter how I feel about it. The only thing that matters is that I get through it. So why waste the energy complaining and feeling sorry for myself? I know it’s probably just life and these kind of things happen to everyone. And most other parents have resources that I don’t have. I don’t begrudge anyone that support but it does make me mad when others judge me for not having it. It doesn’t make me a bad person and in reality it has made me an incredibly strong person.
This is on my mind because it is part of the argument my daughter’s father is trying to make with the Court. He literally believes because I don’t have the family support system he has and that I don’t have the financial security that he has means that I am less than suitable to have my daughter 50% of the time. I bet every financially struggling divorced mother (or father) in the country would be surprised to find out that makes them unsuitable. I understand abject poverty can be cause but that’s not we are talking about. For example he and his parents can take Meghan on multiple long distance trips every year to resorts and amusement parks and to see family. Whereas I may manage a trip every 3 to 5 years just to see family, forget about Disney and Sea World.
As for family support, I would rather have my situation, completely lacking local family support, than his where his parents are incredibly overbearing and unhappy and control every aspect of his life. They don’t let him make any decisions on his own, they treat him like a child and he is literally afraid to stand up to his mom. I have been living on my own since I was 18 and one could successfully argue since I was much younger than that. I love my parents but I haven’t needed them for many decades. He’s 45 now and desperately needs them to help him with Meghan. His mother fulfills all the roles I would be doing if we were still married. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if his mother is still wiping his ass when he makes a stinky.
But I digress…I just wanted to say that I realize it is just life and it can be hard for me. Thats nothing new for me and millions of other parents out there. I am often flailing in the dark on how to do this parenting thing, particularly when bad stuff happens. I know there’s a whole lot of stuff that I don’t know diddly about. But one thing I do know is that I have to be grateful for the small things. And right here, right now, i am grateful that I am going to sleep like a log tonight without interruption. And its enough for now. Hallelujah, hallelujah, sleep at last, sleep at last!