I couldn’t sleep last night. I had received news from my attorney about a request for stipulation from my ex. A stipulation, for those of you who don’t know, is a mutual agreement between opposing parties involved in a litigation. If we both agree and sign off on the stipulation the agreement then has the force of law and the court doesn’t then need to make a ruling on that particular issue. So it’s something used to settle a particular issue but does not suffice as an entire settlement of a case.
I tossed and turned for hours thinking about it and wondering what it would mean in relation to the overall case. Would it hurt other motions we’ve made? Is it something my ex is doing to protect himself or to help my daughter? I am just so frustrated right now. So far the judge has granted my ex everything he’s asked for and has outright refused to listen to any countervailing argument from my attorney. I’m beginning to lose hope. What’s the point of hiring an attorney and going to court if the judge doesn’t even let your attorney make a case? If we can’t even speak in regards to issues before the court, why bother? It’s bad enough that my ex has been trying to ignore me and my parental rights for 6 years now. Now the court is ignoring me and my rights as a petitioner. Meanwhile this drags on and the lack of resolution is really bothering my daughter. She wants a decision. She wants to know if her life is going to change for the better. All I can tell her is that everything will be okay and the truth is, I don’t honestly know if that’s the case. I have a nasty suspicion that it won’t get any better. Then what do I tell her? Sorry, once again your father’s money wins the day so you have to keep cowering in the face of his horrible temper. And you have to keep listening to your grandmother say terrible things like “I wish your mother would just disappear”. And Mommy can’t do anything about it. In essence, I am afraid that the Court is going to tell her, “Sorry, sucks for you little girl but you have to keep living this way”.
There is no worse feeling in the world than to see your child being hurt by something that could and should be prevented by all responsible parties and nothing that you say or do makes any difference. I would literally rather lose a limb than to see this happening and not be able to help my child. I should be able to help her. The Court should be able to. But so far, we’ve gotten nothing for our efforts but bad news and delays.
After about an hour and a half of stewing in such thoughts, I really needed some comfort. I wanted to hold my son. He was sleeping really deeply for the first time in several nights. If he slept in a bed, I could have slipped in and held him without waking him. But he is still in a crib and getting him out would have disturbed his sleep. It did occur to me that I might not be able to seek physical comfort by holding my son at that moment, but I could take comfort from the fact that my daughter’s father, after having taken her from me, could not do likewise with my son. I still, however, wasn’t ready for sleep.
I got up and decided to do some cleaning. The thing that needed the most immediate attention was the cat litter box. Yes, I resorted to scooping up cat shit and piss as a form of diversion. Then I washed dishes and straightened up the kitchen a little. Finally at midnight I felt tired and went to bed. My one kitty, Snow Shooz was already in his accustomed place, down at my feet. Cry Baby hunkered down beside me, next to my outstretched hand in her usual place. I fell asleep with my hand buried in the soft white fur on her chest, feeling her purr. My last thought as I fell asleep was that he couldn’t take this from me either and that all was not lost.