A change would do you good

Posted: July 30, 2012 in Personal

You know how bad things are seem to happen in multiples?  Well in my life change, regardless of good or bad, happens in multiples.  Ands lots of change, even change for the better, creates stress.  Stress is no friend of mine, fer sure.

In the past few years I have been thru quite a lot.  I have experienced all of the following things, presented here in no particular order-putting my kitty down, marriage, adopting two sickly kittens, childbirth, moving (twice), bankruptcy, a difficult, expensive and rare illness (gone now thankfully), divorce, a cross country trip with two kids under 8,  three emergency room visits (one for each kid and me), dating for the first time in my life, giving away a kitty (due to moving), a knock-down, drag-out fight with a good friend and the loss of that friend, changing daycare providers twice, and now a custody battle.  Through it all, being completely strapped financially, which stresses me out more than I can put into words.

Through it all I have kept blogging, albeit inconsistently.  I so not out of any feeling of obligation, but more out of selfishness.  You see blogging is one of the few things that is completely mine.   It won’t go anywhere without me.  it can’t disappointment me?  it won’t throw up or pee on me.  It won’t cost me of too much money.  It can’t scream at me or hog the bed or eat the last bit of chocolate in the house.  And I can treat it any way I want…wait a week to post or put up a flurry of short posts.  I can scream at the world or share lyrical poetry. Thankfully it has been a wonderful constant in my life..

Another constant has been my job.  I worked for 4+years as a web programmer for a law firm, but I decided to go another way. Today I started a new web programming job on a 6 month contract to hire project.  It’s another stressor but also a blessing.  My commute has been reduced  from almost 3.5 hours a day down to 30 minutes.  I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn anymore, or chivvy my toddler to walk faster.  It pays a little bit more.  And best of all, it’s a new challenge.  Today I have a positive overall feeling and I am enjoying it. Living in the moment is not my strong suit, so if you will, revel in my zen-like state today.

  1. Sounds entirely like good to me. Hope it stays that way!

  2. alopecia says:

    Good on ya, as the Australians say.

    Sometimes a new challenge—the one that seems one too many—can bring a strange clarity, a (as you say) Zen-like calm. Long may it continue.

  3. When I say I can totally relate, I mean it. Someone asked me once what I see in the future a year or two from now. I said,”I think ahead in 3 week increments and that is all.” How can I envision my future when today I am a single mom in survival mode? Tomorrow I will be in survival mode and by the end of the week I will still be in survival mode – with three kids in tow.

    And this survival mode is just the basics like food, shelter and clothing as you mentioned. It does not include the fight in the court system to save the 3 kids I have from being destroyed by their own father. Yes, I tell people, “Yes these children are his very own flesh and blood! I did NOT commit adultery while I was married!” (I add that statement for a little push back/shock value when people have the balls to infer that some of these kids may not be his.)

    My ex- husband, who I lovingly refer to as Jackass, has no mental capacity for empathy, thus, a clear cut case of person who is a psychopath. Combine that with rage, violence, and one of the worst, most corrupt court systems in the country, (the Burroughs of NYC), then you have not only survival mode, you have what I call the fight of my life- I am at war.

    I feel like I have been at war trying to save my children because if I raise 2 boys and 1 girl to be psychopaths then my life’s work, unending sacrifices and escapes from death are -have been- and will be for – nothing. And I don’t want that. I want 3 of this country’s next generation to be good people; kind people who are brave and gentle at the same time. I want kids who will grow up and be able to stand strong against corrupt, mean and downright evil people and evil systems that destroy other human beings and who destroy our earth.

    Just when I let my my guard down, just when I am a little relaxed and things are calm, I am suddenly blindsided! Again! Not physically this time, but with court papers served to me at my door in connecticut.

    If I don’t show up to court in Queens with all my financials on August 17th I will be thrown in jail.

    Yes, folks, this single mom in survival mode who left her ex husband 12 years ago is still being economically, psychologically and emotionally abused by her violent ex-husband all thanks to a corrupt court system where if you belong to a particular “Italian club” you are exempt from the laws of the land. When I have armed court officers escorting me out of the court rooms saying to me, “Magistrate So-in-so just totally screwed you…” I am not alone in my beliefs.

    Jackass lives in Westchester. I moved to Connecticut to get away from this madness five years ago.

    Why the hell do I have to show up to court in Queens? Why? Neither of us have lived in that burrough for several years now. Why would the tax payer funded Queens court system allow this mickey mouse circus to start up again? Magistrate So-in -so told me to not come back to his court in Queens in 2009, the last time I was there. He refused to enforce the child support or incarcerate Jackass despite him being in contempt for “willingly not not paying child support” and being in contempt for not showing up that day at all!

    Why? Because, and I quote, ” I want to give him another chance.” Another chance for what? To escape paying zero money for 3 kids when I proved him working off the books making a lucrative 6 digit income? Magistrate So-in-so continued speaking to me that day in July of 09 just after he turned off the tape recorder, “You don’t live here and he doesn’t live here. Don’t come back to my courtroom.”

    Three years later Jackass has the privilege of being allowed to file in the Queens courts, despite these facts of residency. Magistrate So-in-so is allowing this in his courtroom. I am to show up to Magistrate So-in-so’s courtroom. It says so on the papers just above where it says “I must show up” or “under penalty of law face jail time.”

    There you have it. A legal system that helps the abuser continue the abuse (Economic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse) for over a decade. How’s that for justice? Let me tell you my friend, I have learned that – what I thought was Justice in not justice at all. Justice is not what is fair and righteous. Justice is what a single judge decides to rule on in his courtroom. Justice is the outcome of who can play the game the best. Who can manipulate and bully and intimidate the weasel that sits behind the bench in black robes.

    I could go on, sorry I have gone on so long. Hang on to that slice of life, that little part of the day that has brought you great joy. It is those moments that give you what it takes to go on with the hardest job in the world, being a mom. It is those little moments of happiness that over ride every hardship that comes your way. It is worth it. I would do it all over again with 10 times worse circumstances because I have 3 of the most amazing creatures in the world. Every bit of the struggle is worth it because I have them. 🙂

    • drangedinaz says:

      The worst of it is, for me and it sounds like for you too, is the feeling of helplessness. That no matter how I try, I can’t make a difference. But that’s true about every aspect of our lives. There is only so much that we can control. So the best attitude to take is to do your best and let the rest go (or as 12 step programs say Let go, Let God or something like that). In fact, the Serenity prayer is one of my favorite and most calming meditation mantras. I honestly think it is one of the most profound thoughts in the history of mankind. Anyway, it helps me and I think it can help anyone. I’m sending supportive vibes all the way up and over to your neck of the woods.

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