I have to admit that over the last few days I haven’t been able to write. I am so preoccupied with fear and worry for my daughter. But it’s not a matter of not enough grist or not enough words, but a complete lack of will. The one thing I desperately want to write about, my daughter, I cannot. Everything else pales in comparison and I simply have no desire to even ponder those things. So I am going to write as generically as I can about the situation and maybe it will help.
I was trying to figure out why I feel so much fear about the court case. It occurred to me that I hadn’t really quantified what I was afraid of. So I asked myself, what is the worst that can happen. Well, they could lie and accuse me of things I haven’t done or purposely mischaracterize what I have done. The court could fail to listen or be convinced of my argument. And that is bad, but not bad enough to warrant the level of fear I am experiencing. The result of those outcomes would be that I would loses the case and not get anything that I asked for and that’s part of the answer. I am terrified of losing the case and disappointing my daughter. She is already too sad and I can’t imagine how she will react to a loss. But there is somethingwelsh, related to my own childhood.
When I was young I started having this horrible dream that would periodically come back to haunt me. I stopped having thE dream in my early thirties but I think it applies here. In the dream I am a child and I know something that none of the adults do…that the Earth is soon to bedestroyed, usually by the descending moon on a collision coursE with us. And I run around trying to get the grown ups attentthe to warn them and tell them how to fix the problem. But they either act like I don’t exist or they are condescending and say that I need to stop lying. Meanwhile the moon continues to plummet and my terror gand frustration grows as it approaches until I wake shouting and crying.
Thats what I feel in regards to court. That they won’t really listen to my daughter and me, and that I have no control over the situation–that is one of my darkest fears. Except this time it isn’t a dream, it’s our actual lives that will be affected. I know some things to deal with a lack of control…do as much as I can for my part in regards to preparation and let the rest go. But as to whether they will actually listen and what’s more, believe me? Experience has taught me that is not likely to happen. So I have little hope and that’s the problem. A lack of hope is a bad, bad place to be.