Introducing a new series, “The Co-Workers You Love to Hate”. Today I am featuring the very common and generally despised:
Location: You don’t have to work at a car dealership to deal with this guy. He is everywhere. The only thing that varies from industry to industry is the quality of his clothes. Pictured above is your typical car salesman in the obligatory hideous suit coat, but he would still be the same idiot in Yves St. Laurent.
1. Poser – His overly familiar manner that includes back slaps that are too hard, an arm around your shoulder causing you to partially lose balance, coming up behind you and grabbing both your shoulders and squeezing them too roughly in an apparently affectionate mock mini-massage technique. He will also occasionally punch you on the arm after telling a bad joke. The worse the joke, the harder he hits you. In spite of all these seemingly friendly actions, he is not your friend. For example, if something should bad should happen at work, say something like the boss finding a picture of his wife’s head superimposed onto the body of a Holstein cow (you know the ones with the black spots on white) with a message saying ‘For a good time call Bessie’ (yes that is her unfortunate real name) with the boss’ home number at the bottom, regardless of whether he knows anything about the prank, this Prick will be the first one caught looking at the flyer, and upon being confronted he will without hesitation offer you up as the offender and disavow any participation whatsoever. This kind of thing has his handiwork all over it, down to and including pinning the blame on you.
2. Can you say “sexual harassment”– The way he speaks using inappropriate nicknames for you such as abbreviating or elongating your name ( Richard becomes Ricky or Ricardo, or if he is a particular douche he will call you some nickname you hate, like Dick) emphasizing it every chance he gets and pairing it with some other word or phrase to turn it into a sexual reference and a snicker, ‘Well DICK here keeps butting in where he is not wanted. That’s what she said! Bam!’ ). He will also use inappropriate diminutives for female co-workers such as Honey, Sweetie, Babe, etc and he cannot refrain from telling others about his sexual escapades or discussing the bodies of female co-workers using all manner of gestures so that anyone in sight of him has no doubt about what he is talking about whether they can hear him or not. The presence of females causes him to ineffectually lower his voice by one decibel and to occasionally turn his back on the woman he is discussing, further emphasizing that he is talking about her.
3. Hyper Juvenile – Physical characteristics that irritate include an inability to sit still in his desk chair, instead preferring to play with the controls moving up and down, back and forth, and spinning to make himself dizzy. The Prick loves sitting on top of your desk too close to you and in such a way as to prevent you from working. He also loves to interrupt you by constantly pacing and/or talking to himself, and intentionally distracting you while you are busy, say on the phone, by jiggling his keys or loose change in his pocket, popping his gum, rearranging items on your desk and/or making lewd sexual gestures with the adorable, misshapen and completely useless clay ashtray your daughter gave you for Father’s Day. He cannot even walk normally but must instead click his pen in a maddening way, whistle, and/or using his pen like he is playing the drums on things around him such as your head. Another thing he loves to do is something called the “psyche”. This is where the Prick will make a move as to high or low five you, only to pull his hand away at the last minute and say “Psyche!”. A variation of this jerky move is to pretend that he is going to punch you in the stomach but pulls up and pats you on your cheek with his other clammy hand leaving a trace of Old Spice hovering around your head for the next hour.
4. Loudmouth – This guy only knows two volumes, loud and louder. No one laughs louder or longer than he does at his own jokes or the boss’ jokes. There is always something wrong with his laugh which varies from a donkey-like braying to an emphysematic weezing usually expelled while grabbing his belly and bending himself backward while his knees are bent. When he is sexually harassing someone (and it’s not always just the ladies he offends – see #2 above) but he doesn’t want to be too obvious (or at least too obvious to him, everyone else knew what he was up to before he even opened his mouth), he will ineffectually lower his voice and maybe go so far as to put his hand up to partially and ineffectually cover his face. The signature move and noise for The Disingenuous Prick is the “point and wink” maneuver. He will stop, bend his knees, bring up both hands, one slightly in front of the other, index finger on the topmost hand pointing at you while simultaneously scrunching one eye up, further opening and twisting his gob that is usually fixed into an open mouthed shit eating grin, and ending the gesture with a loud, enthusiastic, spitty “click” from the back of his throat.
5. Lying Liar – The single most annoying characteristic about this type of co-worker is his complete inability to tell the truth (see #1 about blaming you for the prank). He will tell you he has not eaten lunch while throwing away a fast food wrapper. He will say that he didn’t break your wife’s photo when you clearly saw him drop it when you returned from a meeting and caught him holding it while sitting at his desk and staring dreamily at your spouse in a kind of icky way. He will tell his wife he HAS to work late because his boss told him to when the boss said no such thing and he is instead sitting at his desk occasionally and loudly spitting hockers into his trashcan (see #4 for issues with making noise) and making paper airplanes that he purposely tries to land in the laps or on the chests of female coworkers who also had the misfortune to work late that day (except they are actually working). He is, in short, a pathological liar.
Next week, I will feature another Co-Worker that we all love to hate, the Brownoser.