What might have been

Posted: November 16, 2011 in AZ, Personal
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I have been off work the last three days and not checking my email nor posting on my blog.  I’ve spent the entire time with my little man, Liam.  He’s 13 months old and staggering around like a drunken Frankenstein.

At first I was irritated that I would have to take 3 days off of personal leave from work to cover for my erstwhile daycare provider who had at the last minute needed to go out of town.  However, it turned out to be a blessing.  Like most blessings, it was in disguise.

The last three days have been like magic for me.  Spending my days and nights focusing on my son was wonderful.  My only schedule was his.  A long night of sleep left me with time to myself in the early evenings.  An early rising forced me to get my carcass moving and in gear.   We spent mornings playing and then a mid-morning nap.    Then more playing and lunch.  Then off to adventures shopping, playing at the mall or whatever took our fancy.  Then another afternoon nap, followed by dinner and more play.  Then bath time and playing. Then snuggling and bed for him.

I would give my right arm or leg to be able to do this with him until he is grown enough to go to school.  Alas, the dissolution of my last marriage disabused me of that notion.  See before I got pregnant with Liam, I bought a bunch of lies about how my husband could earn enough for me to stay home with our “some day” child.  It turned out to be a lie of gargantuan proportions.  Instead I was the moneymaker, the sugar mamma, if you will.  I was the one to go off to work to leave my little baby with his father and wonder if he was okay (he wasn’t) and grieve every day.

Strange how I had the chance before….when married to my daughter’s father.  He made more than enough for me to stay home…but he was afraid. He had a plan and by God, he was going to stick with it.  No matter what problems my daughter and I might have had.  He had to stick to the plan like he had to stick to his OCD cleaning schedule.  His retirement was projected to the penny and so was the cleanliness of the kitchen linoleum. There was no room for anything else.  And it all leaves me wondering what might have been.

If Meghan’s father had acquiesced and let me stay home to deal with her unusual tantrums that lasted for hours. To deal with her night terrors and to deal with inexplicable violence of her emotions.  To get some counseling and medication for my deep, deep depression.  To take a breath, to just pause and take some time to do what I knew was right for me and my child…then perhaps I’d still be married to him.  But, this is a huge but because it didn’t happen.  And even more importantly, I wouldn’t have my little man…my Liam.

Things happen for reason…of that I am convinced.  Liam was meant to be my son as much as Meghan was to be my daughter.  After I am gone, they will have each other and that is not a small thing.  So while I might ponder what might have been, I don’t waste as much time on it as I used to.  Now I think more of what will be and that is a change for the good.  Looking at the past is important, it helps imprint the lessons learned deep as we can make them; however, looking forward is necessary for hope, for love and for the future.  Commala come come……..

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Comments
  1. alopecia says:

    For of all sad words of tongue and pen,
    The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’
    –John Greenleaf Whittier, “Maud Muller”

    (The lines are out of context, but the sentiment sorta kinda isn’t.) Or, if you prefer:

    PENNY: But, you know, everything happens—
    BILLY: Don’t say “for a reason.”
    PENNY: No, I’m just saying that everything happens.
    –Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, “Act Two”, written by Joss Whedon

    (What, I was going to let an opportunity for a Whedon quote pass by?)

    Or even:

    MONICA: Welcome to the real world. It really sucks. You’re gonna love it.
    –Friends, “The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate”, written by David Crane & Marta Kauffman

    Looking back is important, looking forward is necessary. Living in the moment keeps us sane.
    –me

  2. drangedinaz says:

    I never claimed to be sane…… 😉 And it is always the right time for a Whedon quote as far as I am concerned. Thank you, alo!

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