Mama didn’t raise no fool

Posted: May 12, 2011 in Personal, Silly in AZ

Or I should say, my mama didn’t raise me to be a COMPLETE fool.  I can honestly say over the last 5 years I have made some big mistakes and I have paid for them.  Let’s count the ways, shall we?

  • Decision re: custody arrangement of my daughter– this one haunts me almost every day.  Here my mistake was in thinking that my ex, my ex-in-laws, family court, the attorneys and even my own daughter would be as fair and approach everything in good faith as I thought I was doing at the time.  I could not have been more wrong.  Now my little girl is not so little…she’s 8 going on 30.   She’s precocious,  spoiled1, and smart.  She remains, thank FSM2, somewhat naive.  However, that is rapidly deteriorating with age (e.g., she knows about the mechanics of sex but still says the word one letter at a time, you know, S-E-X).  The aforementioned ex-in-laws loathe me and make no effort at hiding it when I am not around.  To my face they are sweetness and light. To my daughter, in regards to me, they are poison.  I would give anything to protect her from their vitriol but like most divorced parents there isn’t much I can do.  I can only hope that her intelligence and loving nature will outlast the ugliness so that she can come to an honest conclusion about my character in her own way and in her own time.
  • Falling in love – And I mean LOVE not love3. I’ve been married three times. But I have only loved with a capital L twice in my life–of course the big L didn’t exist in in marriages, hence the divorces. The first time I fell hard, I was very young and he was my best friend. The feeling was not returned. The second time, I was in my mid-thirties. Because I am a romantic at heart and I know that such feelings are incredibly rare I barely hesitated to pursue the relationship. I spent the next three years giving all that I had to be with him. Ultimately, he tried but he couldn’t love me back to the same degree. He was simply not ready but even he didn’t realize it. He proposed but things fell apart. So I walked away from that relationship because there was no way I was going to spend the rest of my life giving my all only to have it returned in half-assed fashion. I wonder though, will I ever feel that way again? Will I make myself too vulnerable if I continue to look for it? Should I just give up and not worry about it? I honestly don’t know what the healthy thing to do is here. And it makes me worry because clearly this is an area in which I have failed time and time again and one where I have created more suffering for myself than was really necessary.
  • Finances – in this case my mother did raise a complete fool. We were poor and when I reached adulthood I didn’t have a clue how to spend money. I knew how to earn it. I’ve worked almost full time since I was 14 years old. I’m surprised my fingers aren’t worn stubs at this point. I don’t have a lot to show for it though. And I won’t in the near future because of my impending divorce. What I’ve done instead is given up on wanting things and simplifying my life. And I am a hell of a lot happier about it. What I really, really want is not to worry about finances. And the key to not worrying, is a) not giving myself reason to worry and b) not worrying.

That’s enough navel gazing for now, don’t you think?
Footnotes:

1I would like to think not by me but the ex-in-laws.  For her 7th birthday, they threw 3 separate parties.  Yes, I said 3.

2Flying Spaghetti Monster, if you don’t know what that is, go here

3Similar to the difference in Spanish between amor and querer, amor is a grand passion, a deep love and devotion. Querer is more akin to saying “I love peanut butter” or “I love him…he is sooooo funny.”

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